Dating isn't shopping

Have you ever swiped through a dating app and realised you're browsing people the same way you'd scroll through ASOS? Filter by height. Filter by interests. Swipe left. Swipe right. Next. Sharon Edmundson brought a refreshingly honest perspective to Crowd Church this week, asking a question that cuts right to the heart of modern romance — what happens when we start treating people like products?

It turns out the Bible has far more to say about dating than most of us expect. Not because it lays out a rulebook, but because it offers a completely unique way of seeing the people we date. Sharon unpacks an ancient framework that, despite being thousands of years old, speaks directly to the exhaustion, insecurity, and loneliness that so many of us experience in modern relationships.

Why Dating Feels So Exhausting

The stats are sobering. 78% of Gen Z report dating app burnout. 65% of 16 to 29 year olds in the UK feel lonely. We have more ways to meet and connect with people than ever before, yet we are more isolated and more anxious about relationships than ever.

Sharon suggests that one of the key reasons for this is that dating apps and the culture around us encourage us to treat dating as though we were shopping. She compared it to internet shopping for clothes — refining searches, swiping past anything that doesn't match, ordering what looks right, and sending it back if it doesn't fit.

"With dating apps and the culture around it, it's easy to get into that same consumer mindset and treat people as though they're just products to obtain or fit our requirements."

She was careful to point out that dating apps aren't wrong in themselves — they can be a useful tool for meeting people. The issue is the mindset we bring to them.

What Happens When People Become Products

Sharon walked through four consequences of the consumer dating mindset, and each one landed with uncomfortable familiarity.

Continual swiping creates the illusion of endless options. We get the dopamine hit of a match and the ego boost of being chosen, but months go by without a genuine deep connection. Everyone becomes disposable. Including us.

Situationships — where we keep our options open and avoid putting a label on things — start out feeling safe but end up making us feel insecure. We're attached without knowing where we stand.

Checklists are useful for internet shopping, and having some non-negotiables in a relationship is sensible. But when the list becomes a search for the perfect person, we end up rejecting people for trivial reasons. The perfect person doesn't exist.

Physical intimacy without commitment leaves us vulnerable. As Sharon put it, we've given our body to someone, but we haven't given our whole selves, and they haven't given theirs either.

Every Person Carries the Image of God

So does the Bible have anything useful to say about all this? No, but also a big yes.

No, because dating as we think of it didn't really exist in biblical times. You were single, betrothed, or married. But the Bible has a huge amount to say about romantic and sexual relationships, and how we treat each other in general.

The starting point is Genesis 1:27 — God created mankind in his own image. According to the Bible, no one is a product to be consumed. Every person we swipe past on an app carries the image of God. Every person we ghost, or who ghosts us, carries the image of God. And so do we.

Then there's Philippians 2:3-4 — do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves. Not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others.

Dating shouldn't be about using other people or just looking to get our own needs met.

The Covenant Dating Mindset

Sharon proposed a radical alternative to consumer dating — what she called a covenant dating mindset. Instead of shopping for a partner, we approach dating as the beginning of a process to discover whether someone could be a covenant partner for life.

She drew from the marriage covenant process in Jesus' time, where commitment and vows came first, and physical intimacy followed. The whole process pointed to something bigger — the kind of relationship God wants to have with us. One of love, commitment, security, vulnerability, and passion.

Using the story from Genesis 24, where Abraham's servant searches for a wife for Isaac, Sharon drew out three practical principles.

Choose shared values over shared interests. Abraham didn't want a spiritual mismatch for his son. Shared interests are great, but shared values are more important because true faith works itself out in every area of life — how we treat people, what we do with money, how we make decisions about work. Dating is the time to ask the big questions and find out if you're genuinely aligned on what matters most.

Character is revealed in the mundane. In the story, Rebecca showed her character when she didn't realise she was being evaluated — she offered to water the servant's camels without being asked. Have you ever dated someone who said all the right stuff and made the grand romantic gestures, but didn't have the character to back it up? Dating is a time to find out what someone's really like when no one's watching.

Get input from others. The servant asked God for help, and there was family discussion. The wisdom of community was involved. Sharon shared how when she and Matt had a brief split during dating, it was input from someone older and wiser that got them back on track. Sometimes a trusted friend can see the red flags we miss because we're too love-blind to see.

Grace for the Mess-Ups

Sharon was honest about this too. If you're listening to all this and thinking "well, I've already blown it," you're in good company. We all have, in one way or another.

The good news is that when we turn from the way we've been living and turn to Jesus, he's gracious and loving and accepts us with open arms. That invitation is always open.

Conversation Street

Is dating harder now than it used to be?

The panel had a fascinating discussion about how dating has changed. Mike Harris shared how dating before apps required more upfront vulnerability — you had to actually meet someone face to face without the safety net of a curated profile. Matt talked about the paradox of choice — having too many options can actually make us more indecisive, not less. Sharon reflected that meeting through a friendship group meant you already knew each other, which removed a lot of the awkwardness of first dates.

Doesn't the covenant idea sound quite transactional?

Katherine raised this in the comments, and it sparked a great conversation. Matt acknowledged the concern but argued that covenant thinking is actually incredibly secure. He pointed to the Song of Solomon — a book of passionate love poetry in the Old Testament — as evidence that covenant relationships are anything but dry and transactional. Sharon added that all throughout the Old Testament, you see the passionate longing of God for his people. There are agreements and boundaries, but there's also incredible passion.

Mike made a personal observation — that when he discovered how much God loved him through the Song of Solomon, he became more secure and less needy, and therefore a much better person to date.

Why are the Bible's boundaries around sex so hard to follow?

Matt was candid about this. Every message the culture sends says sex is casual, boundaries are repressive, and desire should be immediately fulfilled. Add in the reality that delayed gratification is one of the hardest things for human beings, and it's no wonder people struggle.

He also pointed out that the church hasn't always helped here. Too often the message has been shame-based — "don't do it because it's dirty" — rather than vision-based — "wait, because you've got something sacred." Sharon extended this with a broader point about boundaries, noting that research shows children who grow up without any boundaries actually have worse mental health outcomes. Boundaries aren't restrictions — they're protection.

Mike emphasised that keeping boundaries is nearly impossible alone. The only reason he and his wife managed it was because of the community of people around them — older married couples who encouraged them and kept them accountable. And Sharon added that this has to be healthy community, not toxic community that piles on shame and guilt.

Any advice on being single when all your friends are in relationships?

Matt was careful not to offer easy answers here, acknowledging that being single and not wanting to be is genuinely hard. He challenged those who are in relationships to be more intentional about including single friends, rather than letting married life pull them into a bubble.

Sharon pointed out that romantic relationships aren't the only satisfying relationships — we're made for different types — and that the Bible actually views singleness really positively. Paul said he'd rather people be single than married. Jesus was single. But that doesn't diminish the pain if singleness isn't what you want.

Matt also mentioned how loneliness isn't just the absence of people. Loneliness is the absence of being truly known. And being truly known can happen in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

Sometimes the bravest thing is to break it off

Matt and Sharon shared from years of watching couples date, get engaged, and get married — and some of them divorce. In many cases, the issues were visible during dating, but neither person had the courage to end things. Once invitations are sent and the church is booked, it becomes almost impossible to call it off.

Sharon shared her own story of saying no to a guy she really liked because he wasn't a Christian. At the time, it was incredibly hard. Looking back, she's deeply grateful she did it.

As Matt put it — if you're in your early twenties, breaking off a relationship can feel heartbreaking. But your 40-year-old self is thanking you.

Your Next Step This Week

1. Ask yourself why you're dating. Is it to find validation, to avoid loneliness, or to genuinely explore whether someone could be a lifelong partner? Your "why" shapes everything.
2. Have the values conversation. If you're currently dating, try asking some of the deeper questions — what matters most to you? What would you do if things got really difficult? The book 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged is a brilliant conversation starter.
3. Find your people. Whether you're single, dating, or married, you need honest community around you. People who can see what you can't and love you enough to tell you the truth.
4. Look at the person, not the profile. Next time you're on an app or meeting someone new, remind yourself — this person carries the image of God. They're not a product. Neither are you.
5. Give yourself grace. If you've made mistakes in dating (who hasn't?), the invitation to turn around and start fresh is always open. That's what grace is for.

More Than a Match

Dating doesn't have to be an exhausting cycle of swiping, ghosting, and situationships. It can actually point us to something deeper — the covenant love that God has for each of us.

What if the goal of dating wasn't to find the perfect person, but to find someone you can be imperfect with? Someone who shares your values, reveals good character in the mundane, and is willing to do the hard, beautiful work of commitment?

Because the truth is, the perfect person doesn't exist. But real love — the kind that stays, that commits, that knows you fully and chooses you anyway — that's exactly what God offers. And it might just be the best model for dating we've ever been given.