What Does The Bible Say About Sex?

— Kirsten Harding

Everyone Has An Opinion On Sex

Everyone has an opinion about sex, about how we should view it, whether or not we should talk about it. What makes sex good or bad? What boundaries or limits should be around sex?

Sex is a really emotive topic, and attitudes and perspectives towards sex vary massively from place to place within different cultures. Some cultures and places would not be comfortable talking openly about sex. It would be seen as something intensely private and personal. And some places, some cultures would have a much more open attitude towards sex. If you travel, just look at the billboards and adverts. In some cultures sex sells. That's before we even get into how attitudes towards sex have changed over time.

It's probably safe to say that how a non-religious young person in the UK today views sex is probably going to be quite different to how sex was viewed say 2 or 3 thousand years ago in a Middle Eastern Jewish or Christian community, the way the Bible talks about sex. And we could be quite tempted in this modern world to say, well, you have your opinions, I have mine, each to their own as long as you're not harming someone, do what you want. But I've got to say, I'm coming from the point of view that the way the Bible calls us to live in every area of our lives, what it says about relationships and money, and work and life, the biblical perspective, I believe is the healthiest, most rewarding way to live. And that's got to be true of what the Bible says about sex as well.

The Bible Celebrates Sex

And the Bible really does have a lot to say about sex. The Bible celebrates sex. It speaks positively about certain kinds of sex. And the Bible also talks about some aspects of sex that it defines as harmful or bad. It places boundaries and parameters around six for human benefit and flourishing. There is a definite consistent culture around sex in the Bible, that spans thousands of years, and spreads across cultures and people groups.

Sex In A Loving And Committed Relationship

Now, I studied theology (many moons ago) and then I did a postgraduate teacher training. Part of that training was to teach sex education. So I'm quite used to talking about sex with young people. I'm not easily shocked. And when I say opinions and perspectives on sex vary massively, let me tell you, I know that from the experience of teaching sex ed to high school students for nearly 20 years. In sex education, we place our talk about sex into the context of a loving and committed relationships. The root of what I say today is in that the Bible has a huge amount to say about love and committed relationships. That's the context for healthy sex. Sex that is good for us and for each other. The sort of sex the Bible celebrates is sex between a husband and a wife within marriage. That is an expression of intimacy in union. The Bible, in Mark, uses the phrase of to becoming one flesh, and it's seen as good and a gift pure and holy, something that binds two people together in love.

The Bible Celebrates Singleness And Celibacy

However, the Bible also warns us in the strongest terms, that any sexual activity outside of this union will harm us or cause hurt to others. And I think often for young people, for single people, that can seem quite challenging, quite harsh. Here's this amazing thing called sex, a gift from God to humans, and we have this deep biological hormonal urge. That's how God created us. But then some people are not allowed to do it. That can seem quite harsh, quite problematic for some people. So I just want to stress that the Bible really does offer alternative for those who are not married. The Bible celebrates and affirms singleness and celibacy, abstinence and nonsexual friendships, not as second rate, but actually as equal and at times more valuable than marriage. Jesus, the most fulfilled, joyful person who ever lived, lived his entire life single without sex, and found fulfilment in his relationship with God the Father, and through close friendships with His disciples.

I think that's important to say. The Bible paints a picture of a fulfilled, joyful life without sex. And the Bible paints a picture of fulfilment and joy within marriage through the gift of sex. Both are true, and both are valid.

Angels Or Animals?

Now, when it comes to how we view sex, we can tend to fall into unhelpful extremes. Two fairly obvious traps that we can fall into when thinking or talking about sex. We can either make it the most important thing in our lives, the thing we obsess over and strive for, or we can make it something bad, dirty, something to be avoided. It's what Rob Bell in his book Sex God describes as being like angels or animals. When we deny the spiritual dimension to our existence, we end up living like animals. And when we deny the physical, sexual dimension to our existence, we end up living like angels. Both ways are destructive, because God made us human.

Is It A Sin To Have Sex?

Well, yes and no.

Is sex good or bad? Well, there can be both good sex and bad sex.

A few years ago, I was at a church leaders conference and the guy was doing a Bible talk on sex. He said sex is like food and diet, you can have good sex and bad sex, like you can have a good diet or a bad diet. He then opened it up for discussion from the audience. He asked how can sex be like a good diet? And my wonderful husband, John, put his hands straight up and said in the mic in front of about 500 people, well, you've got to get your five a day in. Yeah, pretty silly.

What The Bible Says About Sex

But the Bible starts with Adam and Eve in the garden, before sin, before any sin in the world, and they are commanded to go forth and multiply. They are told to have sex. Sex is part of the good gift of God in creation. And then as sin enters the world, God puts a very simple parameter in place to protect people, to minimise harm, and the parameter he puts in place is this. Sex is only a good thing in marriage between a man and a woman. It's that simple.

In the New Testament, our English translations often use the phrase sexual immorality. It's from the Greek word porneia, and it simply means any form of sexual activity outside of marriage. But I think we get into all sorts of problems when as Christians, we lead on the message of what we're against, rather than what we're for. It's far more important to celebrate what's good about sex, and what good sex means, rather than to major on condemning bad sex. And I say that because I think the church in general, throughout history has done a really good job at giving a bad message about sex. Sex is dirty, sex is bad, sex is wrong. And it creates a really unhealthy, weird culture when we do that. Yes, Jesus said, if a man looks lustly at another woman, it's adultery of the heart. And yes, Jesus said, if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. But what Jesus is calling us to do is to focus our gaze onto what is good and pure, and to discipline our minds, learning how to take thoughts captive.

I think it was the early church leader, Oregon, who around 200 BC castrated himself, you know, he literally cut his testes off. And for me, that just speaks of such an unhealthy, weird view of sex. Something that could have been resolved through accountability and confession and deeper intimacy with Jesus, something that probably emerged through enforced celibacy in the church at that time.

Sex Is Bigger Than Just Sex

But in the Bible, it speaks of sex within marriage, in such beautiful, pure ways. It even devotes a whole book to this sort of expression of love, physical intimacy, the Song of Songs, deemed so saucy by Orthodox Jews, that you weren't allowed to read it until you were over 30. It's a romantic poem and song between a lover and his beloved. The woman says to the man, kiss me with the kisses of your lips, let us hurry into the bedroom. The man then goes on to sing of the delight of her breasts. I mean, he really has a lot to say about her breasts. It's saucy stuff, but there's nothing rude or dirty about it. It's a celebration of the delight of sex that God intended within marriage. It's easy to miss or overlook because a lot of the times the Bible uses idiom or metaphor, much like we do today, when we speak about sex. People don't tend to say they want sex, but we talk about making love or sleeping together, or Netflix and chill. And the Bible does the same. It talks about spreading the hem of your garment over your lover, like in the book of Ruth. And what's really interesting about the language of the lover and his beloved, and the language of the hem of the garment in Ruth, is that the same language is used of God and His people, not in a physical literal way. But the Bible is so concerned to speak of the incredible love and commitment and union and intimacy between God and His people that at times it uses the metaphor and imagery of sexual union. That's because sex is bigger than just sex. And I think it really helps us to see the culture of the Bible towards sex, that sex is not dirty or bad. It's something good and pure and holy. Something that deepens intimacy, and binds two people together in commitment. I think that's why God places sex entirely within the context of marriage because when you have a healthy view of sex, when you realise just how precious, how intimate, how vulnerable it is, how deeply and profoundly it connects to people together, then it's impossible to see casual sex or hookups as anything but harmful.

When the Apostle Paul talks about this, this sense of union between two people through sex, he says that's why prostitution is so wrong because you become spiritually united with a person. Your spirits join in the act of sex. There are so many other reasons why sex works best within marriage. The risk of unwanted pregnancy, STIs, the hurt that comes when relationships break up, the desensitising and dehumanising dimension of casual sex, the way the sex industry is funded, people-trafficking and abuse, the addictive and damaging nature of pornography. I would say it's pretty obvious that God's pattern for sex is best. And I think it's really important to say that we'd really encourage you to seek professional counselling, and help if you've experienced harm through sexual experiences. Professional counselling provides a safe context to process these things.

And alongside that, talk to God about it, ask him to bring healing to you. For those in marriage, sex can be a real source of conflict and tension. How often do you do it? How rewarding is it for both people? Things like the impact of ill-health, work, or money pressures and stress, age, so many factors can feed into this. But I'd really encourage you, if you're a married couple, to talk about this, talk about your hopes and desires, get couple counselling if you need it. Watch this talk again together. Do something like the Alpha Marriage Course. What I'm saying is that sex is precious and valuable. So invest in your marriage, invest in one another, really make the effort to be intimate together in a way that is mutually rewarding. Experts say that the less you have sex in marriage, the less you want to have sex. It's a vicious cycle. But the more you have sex, the more you want to have sex. And apparently that's true for both men and women.

Knowing And Serving Your Spouse's Needs

So we have to take a long term committed view to this. I think one of the most important starting points to all of this is how we view marriage. My husband John does not exist to meet my needs, and I don't exist to meet his needs. And yet marriages thrive when each individual makes it their goal to meet their partner's needs in the widest sense, not just sexually. So you have to take the time to work out each other's love languages. And you have to make the effort to know and serve the other person's needs. And when we do that, we'll build a really great foundation for rewarding sex within marriage. I think that ultimately that's the key, the foundation to great sex in marriage. And it's really the key to navigating all those sorts of questions that Christian couples get hung up about on sex, like what things you can or can't do in the bedroom. Your focus is around love and intimacy and serving one another and expressing and communicating those needs. And that's just a little introduction to what the Bible has to say about sex.