When Your Parents Won't Let Go

How do you respect parents who still treat you like you're twelve? Or love parents who've genuinely hurt you?

Jenny Mariner tackles this loaded topic head-on this week. She's a mum of two under ten and spent twelve years teaching in a Liverpool boys' secondary school, so she's seen family dynamics from every angle. And a lot of them are complicated. “Honouring your parents” is one of those biblical commands that sounds straightforward until real life gets messy. It seems easier to do as a kid than as an adult, right? What does honour look like when your mum still comments on every life choice? When your dad's behaviour hasn't earned respect? When family gatherings feel more exhausting than life-giving?

Why Childhood Obedience Actually Matters

Before we can understand honouring parents as adults, we need to grasp why the Bible makes such a big deal about childhood obedience.

Jenny pointed to Ephesians 6, which says: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Nowhere in the Bible does it say "children, do what you want."

As a former secondary school teacher, Jenny shared a story about a student who simply wouldn't obey anyone. He spent most of his time wandering the corridors, shouting through doorways, and nicking things off people. "This child is not learning how to function in society," she remembered thinking.

The point isn't about crushing a child's spirit. It's about learning that none of us gets to do whatever we want all the time. Jenny even asked ChatGPT whether any society has successfully run on anarchy. The answer? Never. Every functioning society needs structure, leadership, and organisation.

"God is a God of order. When we read Genesis, God pushes back the chaos as he creates land and the rest of creation. Humans rule over creation. There is order."

Learning obedience as children teaches us about our place in society. It reflects God's divine design. Most importantly, it helps us learn to trust our parents, which then allows us to learn to trust God.

Jenny recalled her earlier talk about Adam and Eve wanting the forbidden fruit. There's something about learning to trust and obey God even when we don't understand his instructions. And childhood is where that pattern starts.

The Shift From Obedience to Honour

Here's where it gets interesting. Jenny made a crucial distinction that many of us miss.

Obedience is for childhood. Honour is for life.

The fifth commandment in Exodus 20 says, "Honour your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." Notice it doesn't say "obey your father and mother." It says honour.

This is the only one of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise attached - long life in the land. That's significant.

As Jenny put it: "The overall key point I'm gonna make in a nutshell is that obedience is important in childhood and honour remains a permanent obligation throughout our lives. And that is whatever the dynamics in your family."

So what's the difference? When you're an adult, you're living your own life. You're responsible for your own actions and choices. Your parents are no longer the ultimate authority over you. But honour? That's permanent.

Jenny shared honestly about her own journey: "When they got divorced when I was 18, my emotional response was to be like, well, I want nothing to do with you. I loved them, I spent time with them, I didn't cut off my relationship with them, but I didn't honour them. I didn't respect them. I didn't think they had a single thing to say that was of any use."

She went on to describe how "God has taken me on a journey around honouring them because they are my parents. Now I don't have to agree with everything they said. I don't have to obey them. I don't have to look back on what happened and think that they were right, but I can still honour them."

What Honour Actually Looks Like

Jenny explained that "honouring in the Bible is about treating someone with proper respect and value. It's about saying, you are my parent. You birthed me, you raised me. You did your best, even if actually your best was inadequate."

She outlined several practical aspects of honour:

Speaking about them with respect. "You can be careful about how you talk about them, where you talk about them, and honouring them for who they are."

Seeking wisdom from them. "You don't need to obey them anymore as an adult, but can you ask their opinion? Can you include them in what you're doing? Most of us have areas where our parents will have wisdom that they can give us, and it honours them to give them the time and space to do that instead of rejecting them."

Regular communication. Jenny shared her own example: "My mum moved to Liverpool. She wanted to be closer to us. I was really aware - life is really busy. If we don't make a plan, then we won't see her. So one day a week she picks the kids up from school and a different day a week she comes for tea."

She also acknowledged distance challenges: "My husband's family, they all live at a distance, and routines and diaries don't line up very well for regular phone calls, but we try and use technology. We try and send videos and messages."

Emotional and practical support as parents age. Jenny quoted 1 Timothy 5: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

She spoke about watching ambulance documentaries: "It actually really breaks my heart how much time paramedics spend with old, isolated people doing things that are actually really simple, that you don't need a paramedic for. But that old person has dialled 999 because they've got nobody else. I do not want that to be my parents."

When Honour Gets Complicated

The Conversation Street discussion raised the most challenging questions. What about absent parents? Abusive parents? Parents who make terrible choices?

Controlling and Difficult Parents

One person in the comments described their mum as "not abusive, but really difficult. Constantly critical, boundary crossing, makes everything about her. I avoid her because every conversation leaves me exhausted and feeling bad about myself. Am I being selfish?"

Matt Edmundson responded: "Honour doesn't mean unlimited access to you or letting someone repeatedly hurt you. I think sometimes honouring is actually establishing really good boundaries and sticking with them."

He added, "Hurt people hurt. So there's something which is driving that. And I think as a Christian, our response in that situation is to forgive, but it is also to establish quite firm boundaries."

Jenny shared wisdom from personal experience: "The more I've dealt with stuff like that myself, with therapists, with friends, the more I've been able to then not have to put such a strict boundary all the time. You might find you have to put a really strict boundary in one season, but the more you can access your own healing, I think you can find a way of navigating things."

When Parents Won't Let Go in Marriage

Jenny told a story about friends whose parents kept trying to give them money, but "the money came with influence." She said they "were really good at standing up to them with honour and with respect, saying, 'These are the choices we're making for our family, and actually we're not having your money.'"

She warned, "Be careful that your own parents don't come between you and your partner. If you ever find yourself taking the side of your parent against the side of your spouse, I think that's worth having a think about at that point."

Abusive Parents

Jenny was unequivocal: "You definitely have to keep yourself safe. There isn't anything that would suggest otherwise in scripture. Worst case scenario would be no contact at all. But I think you, we do have to protect ourselves and we do have to figure out what in those situations we can do."

She added, "I would probably say even in those scenarios, not to be blurting it out everywhere all the time and thinking about where you share it and where you talk about it. I’m not saying we should keep secrets, but I think that is part of respect, even in those scenarios. It's okay to put boundaries in, and really harsh ones. If actually you've been in an abusive situation, there needs to be a harsh boundary."

Matt emphasised: "Forgiveness doesn't mean letting people off the hook. I think sometimes there has to be consequence. With abuse especially, things have to be reported because it has to stop."

He spoke powerfully about the aftermath: "Too often I see people become victims, rightly so, but they stay there because of something that happened to them. The abuser still has the power. Where Christianity and the gospel come into play is through forgiveness, through scripture, you realise actually God has redeemed that and can give you that power back."

Absent Parents

Jenny spoke about a friend whose father had "completely disappeared and had no contact with him for about 20 years and then reappeared on the scene." She noted, "It was interesting that he had just done enough forgiving that he was able to handle his dad reappearing. He'd done the business to deal with that rather than just sitting in the resentment."

She acknowledged: "Honouring your parents does not mean failing to acknowledge the pain you might have from your childhood. You've gotta hold those two things in tension and still find out what can you do to honour them? What does honouring look like? It might be not very much. I think it's okay if it's not very much."

The Respect Question

Dan raised an important point about the Hebrew word for honour: "Apparently, it literally means 'heavy'. It's like 'weighted'. We should look and listen to our parents and weigh it. It's a weighty thing. They might not have had tech, but they still had life, years, experiences."

Matt shared his perspective on respect: "I think respect is something actually you should probably just give to everyone. You lose it rather than have to gain it."

Stepparents

When Dan asked about honouring stepparents, Matt reflected: "Having had stepmums, was I honouring of them? You'd have to ask them. Probably not. I was a snotty nose teenager. But looking back, I wouldn't honour them necessarily as my mum, but I would definitely honour them in the role that they had."

Jenny added: "Sometimes the stepparent is actually the closer parent who's easier to respect and honour. So I think there's a lot of complications around that. It's okay to wrestle with. Ask God what he's saying to you about this situation, about this person. Thrash it out with him. See how it applies to you."

Finding Peace in the Mess

"Me and my sister have different approaches to some things in our family," Jenny explained. "My sister just desperately wants it to change. She's always like, 'Well, what about this? And what if we confront this and what if we say this?' And I have learned some peace, which I feel is God-given peace from accepting my parents' limits."

She continued: "They're not beyond change, but it's unlikely. And I can have more peace if I say, 'This is how they currently are. How do I honour and respect them and deal with them? And what are the healthy boundaries and what can I do within the current scenario rather than rallying against it to change all the time?'"

This isn't about giving up. It's about finding peace in the reality of who your parents are, rather than constantly fighting to change them.

When Becoming a Parent Changes Everything

Matt shared how becoming a parent shifted his entire perspective: "I didn't really understand what mum and dad went through as parents until I became a parent. When I became a parent, I saw things quite differently. I was a lot more empathetic to some of the situations they faced. Money, stress, and worries and the impact that that has on family. My respect and my admiration for my parents grew when I became a parent myself."

Dan agreed: "You think before you're a parent that you are tired, that you have lots of things to do. And then you become a parent, you go, 'No, I wasn't tired and I had nothing to do.' It's that stark. So I did have a lot more respect."

Jenny added her perspective: "One of the things, as a parent, we're learning as I grow older, we never feel old. So any parents watching, engage with your children if they try and have this conversation with you. If they wanna talk about things like how can they help you? Is your home still suitable for you? Are you in a community or risk of isolation? Let's help each other out and have these conversations."

Healthy Boundaries Are Biblical

Jenny was emphatic about this: "Despite everything I've said about honour and communication and respect and care, it is okay, it's biblical to have healthy boundaries."

She pointed to Genesis, which speaks of leaving your mother and father and becoming one flesh with your partner. "If your parents are overbearing, it is okay to put a boundary up and say, 'I honour you, I respect you, I listen to you, but I'm making the decision that is right for my family and my partner.' Your parents mustn't come between."

She continued: "You can put up boundaries as well if you have been in a situation that's been harmful or abusive. You need to manage those risks while finding a way to still honour your parents. That's okay to do that."

Your Next Steps This Week

Here's what honouring parents might look like for you right now:

Reach out. If it's been a while since you properly connected with your parents, make the contact. As Jenny noted in Conversation Street, "Making time for them, not just allowing it to be a really long time since you last spoke to them because your life is really busy."

Set one healthy boundary. If you're being controlled or manipulated, pray about what boundary God might be calling you to set. Remember, boundaries aren't dishonouring—they're about creating space for a healthy relationship.

Practice respect as a default. Next time your parent says something that irritates you, pause before reacting. Can you respond with respect even if you disagree?

Pray about acceptance. Are you constantly fighting against who your parents are? Ask God to help you find peace in accepting their limits whilst still honouring them.

Do your own healing work. As Jenny advised, accessing your own healing through therapy, friends, or spiritual guidance can help you navigate complex relationships without needing such strict boundaries.

The Bigger Picture

Jenny reminded us that God is a God of order, not chaos. "God created us in all our uniqueness, and yet God is a God of order." Learning obedience as children and honouring as adults isn't about crushing us under authority. It's about reflecting divine design.

When God created the world in Genesis, he pushed back chaos and created order. He gave humans the role of ruling over creation. There's structure, purpose, design.

Family is part of that design. Imperfect, messy, sometimes painful, but still part of how God intended us to learn about relationship, trust, and love.

As Jenny concluded: "The biblical role of being a child is about obedience, which is really important because it shapes all kinds of things for our adult life and helps us function well in society. But the instruction to honour doesn't end when you're a child. It continues on into adulthood, and it's part of training us in all kinds of areas."

Finding Your Way Forward

So where does this leave you?

You may be reading this with relatively straightforward parents, feeling grateful and wondering what the fuss is about. Reach out to them. Tell them you love them. Keep doing what you're doing.

You may be wrestling with complicated dynamics. Parents who can't let go. Parents who weren't there. Parents whose choices have caused real harm. The biblical command to honour still applies, but what it looks like will be unique to your situation.

Jenny's final encouragement was this: "It's not about applying some rules from thousands of years ago, but it does apply. There is a 21st century relevance to this, so figure it out for you."

And perhaps most importantly, as Matt reminded everyone: "Remember, your parents aren't perfect. But we expect them to be. And so have grace for that, I think, is really important."

What would it look like for you to honour your parents this week, right where things are messy and complicated? Not perfectly, but genuinely. Not because they've earned it, but because God's asked it of you.

As Jenny advised: "Ask God what he's saying to you about this situation, about this person. Thrash it out with him. See how it applies to you."

Let's start there.