40: Walking In Faith And Obedience To God's Will

hello and welcome to what's the story we're an inquisitive bunch of hosts from the what's the story team on a mission to uncover stories about faith and courage from everyday people and to help us do just that we get the privilege to chat with amazing guests and delve into their faith Journey the hurdles they've overcome and the life lessons they have learned along the way now if you enjoy our podcast don't forget to subscribe and sign up for our newsletter on our website which is whatsthestory podcast.com it's your direct line to the latest episodes and detailed show notes and they all get delivered straight to your inbox and the best part it's absolutely free watch the story is brought to you by crowd church we understand that stepping into a traditional Church might not be everybody's cup of tea and that's where crowd church steps in provid providing a digital Sanctuary a safe space to explore the Christian faith where you can engage in meaningful conversations rather than just simply spectating so whether you are new to the Christian faith or are in search of a new church family we invite you to visit us at www.c crow. church and if you've got any questions just drop us an email at hello crowd. Church where here to help and would genuinely love to connect with you and now without further Ado let's meet your host and our very special guest for today hello and welcome to what's the story my name is sa fayan and today I am talking talking with Grace chinsky all the way from Vancouver in in beautiful British Columbia Canada um I had the pleasure of meeting Grace when I was in um Vancouver this summer and at my sister's church and it's um it's wonderful to have you here with us today Grace thank you so much for being here how are you I'm doing well thank you so much for having me oh it's our pleasure it's our pleasure so um Grace you're from Vancouver tell us a bit about what um home life is like for you I know you've got two kids and so tell us a bit more about that well let's see home life is busy with the two kids my son is 10 he's in grade five and my daughter is four she is not yet started school and um yeah so there's six years difference between them so it makes it makes life pretty interesting she's a lot more independent than he is um which is an interesting Dynamic when it's the younger one you know who's a lot more able to occupy herself um she loves to choose her brother around and she's uh very perceptive so she knows all the right buttons to press uh to get a reaction so uh it's it's entertaining but it's uh can be challenging yeah I can imagine life yeah right now yeah keeps you keeps you on your toes I bet yes absolutely and it's uh teaching my son you know how to be a servant you know he is the elder one and he does know better but it's really hard when she's just pushing those buttons and she well yeah that's great um so Grace share with us um briefly about how you became a Christian sure so um my parents actually met at Church my mother she got saved and she was in college um she uh was born and raised in the Philippines and so she went to Singapore and then um she came to Canada and she met my dad at church so I was you know that was the path I was on since before I was born um and um I remember being really little being around 5 years old when um I was really really scared a lot um and um I remember um uh I was just in my grandmother's basement actually and I was just I was just scared of everything I was worried about going to hell and um but I didn't really understand anything but I remember praying that night to God and saying God please please protect me from hell and then I didn't I didn't have a lot of fear after that I remember I was able to sleep well after that but it wasn't until I was 8 years old when I really fully grasped the gospel and uh it was uh August 4th uh 1997 and it was late at night and the Lord was really working on my heart um and I had you know heard the gospel so many times because I grew up in church and I remember going to the window and looking outside and saying and asking God to um you know come into my heart to to be My Savior that I knew that without the sacrifice of Jesus that I would be going to hell and um so that day I accepted him as Savior and I have you know served him and sought him well I've tried to ever since and um yeah been in well yeah I've never left church or anything like that it's a very very it's very very straightforward forward yeah what does um serving or what has it look like serving him for you um serving is really has really been about just doing right just doing what I know is right um there is you know and because I went to a public school growing up and um and you're surrounded by people um well when you know when they're not when they're not Christians you're surrounded by you know messages people saying yeah you can be whatever you want to be you can do whatever do you know be yourself um but you know what what is yourself you know um because your self changes you know going back to my son you know one week he liked shrimp you know the next week he didn't like shrimp so which is you know but I mean I mean that's really that's a very shallow thing but there's a lot of things that are deeper in you and we change you know and so um serving the lord has really has really meant well first off you know it's it's right to go to church you know it's right to read your Bible and it's right to pray those are the things that you you should do you know and the Lord the Lord blesses that kind of obedience right when you know you maybe you don't feel like it but you know that it's right and you do it and the Lord he as you as you obey him he purifies your motives he purifies the path that you're taking so that you're no longer giving or um you know attending or reading your Bible or praying just because you have to you're actually doing it because you've seen him work in your life you uh you really love him and you um you know that you can't survive the next step survive the next minute you know without him and so that's what that's what serving has meant to me it's just being obedient to what you know is right and allowing the Lord to work as as um as you do that so you've been doing that from a very young age and I um do you have siblings I do I have a younger sister and a younger brother and were they um so they were brought up in a Christian home as well and you were all um serving the lord walking with him so what were those relationships like for you with your brother and sister um you know they're they're very close uh my sister she is exactly actually 18 months younger than me okay and um you know we really you know we grew up watching my mother listen to sermons we watched her read her Bible and pray all the time and my father too is um very uh particular about Doctrine and um you know a studier he likes to go into detail and study things and so you know we come by it really honestly cuz my brother is a very big studier you know he knows the B really well and um and we have that as a you know not just being siblings but we have that as a connection to each other as well yeah my sister my brother sister and I we are very close we may not um tell each other everything but in all circumstances of life we have always been there for each other and I know that if I need something at a drop of the Hat I can go any to either of them and they everything in their power to to help me and um you know they both love the Lord and seek after him and that's you know there's this quote I think it's uh Kelvin and Hobs the comic he says to his he says to a stuffed animal he says I don't relate to the people I'm related to it's a funny cute little quote but you know it's kind of it's kind of sad too but um but and I have relatives like that you know but with my brother and sister relating the on a on a you know a physical level because we're related a cultural level because we're we grew up in the same house but then on a spiritual level it just makes it that much sweeter and that much closer so yeah that's very special and it's a blessing it's for sure a blessing yeah um so I remember when we talked earlier you said your sis about your sister's role it was quite instrumental wasn't it in um helping you meet your husband so do you want to share a bit about that yeah my sister um started a job um at a restaurant here in Vancouver and um she actually started the same day that my husband started um albeit he was in a much higher position than she was um and uh yeah I went I went to visit her one day and she said oh this is Michael um yeah he started the same day as I did and um and I said oh okay that's fine and um I was sitting at a table um I was sitting at a table and uh he had just finished work and he he sat down next to me and I made some sort of a I don't even really remember what it was I just made some sort of a joke about my sister and he didn't laugh so I thought he was a jerk um whatever that guy's not funny like I'm hilarious why wouldn't he find me funny um and that was kind of it um for a little bit until he um until one day I actually had dinner at the restaurant with a friend of mine and I went up to the line where my sister was cooking and Michael was there and I just made a face at him because I didn't think very much of him and um and I said hi to my sister and then went off and sat down and uh so you know I had dinner with my friend and went home and then my sister comes home and you know she's my sister so she tells me you know everything especially if it relates to me so she said Michael called you a really rude name and um so she just told me the story where after I had left he said oh is that your sister um and then he just made a comment and I'm not gonna say it because he hat he hated this story he really really hated this story so um but of course she told me and then I just was like well what I you know I don't like that guy anyway so now I don't like him even more and um but on New Year's uh was it New Year's oh it was anyways uh I was back at the restaurant and um he came up to me cuz of course she told him that he told she told him that she told me no response yeah yeah and then he's like he's like I was I was joking I was just trying to get a rise out of out of your sister like I'm sorry I didn't really mean I didn't mean it at all and I'm like yeah whatever dude um I just turned around and walked away and then he sent me a message on Facebook later he said look Grace I actually didn't mean it like if you were really offended I'm I'm sorry and I said you know um I'm like you know I know I acted all cool and stuff but I I did forgive you when you asked me sincerely you know because I I asked you when you yeah yeah and he said well that's very Christlike of you and so and I was in this really really weird phase um where I had been learning you know because you grow up in church you learn about all you learn about the goodness of God you you know God is love but I was in this pH in my Christian walk where I was learning about how God is consuming fire and uh so he said well that's very Christlike of you and I said well you know it's also Christlike to chase people out of the temple with whips and you know and he's like okay and so then he um so we got into this theological discussion and I realized that he was a Christian and um I guess him and my sister they would sing hymns on uh when they were working together and uh change the lyrics sometimes about his cat but but yeah so he was he was a Christian he he was born and raised in church as well his dad was a pastor his both his grandpas were pastors um and uh it it snowballed from there um and my sister called it when I said oh yeah Michael and I are arguing about Jesus on on Facebook she's like well you're gonna fall in love and get married and so lo and behold she called it yeah that's cool so what did happen and then how did you end up falling in love and getting married we just um we genuinely well you know you start off with a theological discussion and you know I automatically knew he was a Christian or and um those conversations really develop to the point where it's like well now let's hang out you know and hang out and we would just you know we would go for walks downtown Vancouver and we would just be talking and we just got along so well and it's something that people have always noted about us that we just would get along and um my aunt calls it we would Circle our wagons which I don't really understand but I kind of do you know what I mean where we would just come together and it would just be done and everything would be you know we were just cohesive and good and so we would we just started hanging out and then it got to a point where it's like well what are we going to do are we going to start dating or what and so yeah we you know started dating and that was on January 15th and then um January 15th 2010 and then um in February or no it wasn't even in February it was a week later and he said and he said look and I know how the Lord had really worked on him because he said I'm not like I can't be in a relationship ship if it's not serious I'm not I'm not here to um have fun I'm I'm I'm either in a relationship to get married or um or nothing you know and um it actually had this is actually this was actually one of his things or one of the things that the Lord had really put on him because he had been in relationships before and none of them worked out and he had decided two years before he met me that he wasn't going to date anyone who he wasn't going to marry and um and he stuck to it you know he he had purposed that in his heart and um he stuck to it and um and so I told him I'm like well I'm not in I'm not in a relationship to just have fun too you know my greatest ambition in life which I say that really sardonically but but in all sincerity I wanted my my I I only ever wanted to be a wife and a mother you know know that's and I I don't know that that was I don't know if that's just my Christian upbringing you know just the way I was raised or what but that was just my my that's all I wanted to do was be a wife and a and a mother and so you can't be a wife and a mother and just have fun in the dating world you know so when he when he talked to me about that I'm like yeah I'm I'm not interested in just having fun either I like I didn't we didn't I didn't hang out with you and start dating you because thought yeah you're just a good time like we obviously have a lot of chemistry but you know I'm I'm I'm in this for the long term and so that really set the the tone um and uh that really you know and then you're on the same page and you know you know then after that it's learning about values you know and our values all aligned because I told him I'm like I want to homeschool my children I don't want them in public school he's like yeah I don't want our ks in public school either you know and and um um yeah and we were going to church together and and you know all these things and like I said our values um aligned and um it was it was a kind of a done deal after that conversation which was I mean so we're like well when should we get married then it's like well we we just started dating so maybe not right now but um but we wound up getting married in August of 2010 um because uh his we wanted his dad to perform the wedding ceremony and it was either in August or November and we were tired of being apart so um we were like Let's do let's do August so we along with a lot of help put the wedding together in about very quickly yeah yeah um and um that was you know that was kind of it yeah so you've said um a few times that you guys were aligned and that you were on the same page was he born and raised in a Christian home as well yeah yeah yeah he was um so four months after he was born his his parents met at um Prairie um which is a bible school I think it's in oh oh man I want to say Alberta yeah I want to say Alberta too but I'm like but no yeah so his met um there and um his father uh was called to be a pastor and um and so four actually four months after my husband was born they left for Austria uh to be missionaries there for a little bit um and um yeah he was he was born and raised in a Christian home um both his parents are still you know serving his dad is uh he's a retired pastor but he still I don't even know if retired is the right word word cuz he's still very active in his church um you know he's an elder there um part of all the big decisions and whatnot and he still preaches a lot and is is very much a servant um and um yeah cool yeah so you guys got married in the August in August yeah we got married in August and it was um it was good I mean first year of marriage is you know for all the for any any Newly Weds listening you know it's it's wonderful but it's also challenging all blessings in life um all real blessings I should say in life like you know all the everything worth having will be tested yeah and that's and it's all the better for that um but you know we figured things out in the first year of marriage and um our son came along in 2013 MH and um our daughter came along in in 2019 um and you know through all that you know attending church together um you know serving I liked um I do enjoy teaching and um so I you know teaching Sunday school to the kid to kids to um to I like I'm very passionate about young young girls um because I was one and um I know how hard it can be so um I have a I have a heart for them and um so teaching there um yeah attending church together um working and um you know just just living you know and um you know just being together and it's it sounds so simple but it's it's a real blessing you know to be able to do that to do life yeah yeah so um you enjoyed was it 10 11 years of marriage is that right yeah yeah yeah yeah so we yeah we married in yeah 2010 and um and uh August 2010 and um we didn't quite make it to August 2021 but we did celebrate 10 years together in uh 2020 we um we were supposed to uh go to um Las Vegas because I I've actually never been and so we uh we had booked a trip and we were gonna go see I think it was cir to solle and um you know just sight interesting things there uh and um then of course it was 2020 so we had to cancel the whole thing and um so we actually just wound up going to Whistler um uh up here um for those who don't know it's this um it's a it's a it's mostly known for skiing um you know a lot of the Olympics happened um but in the summer it's really really nice too there's beautiful Trails um the drive up there is amazing drive through mountains and you can look over the edges and see a really beautiful blue water they call it the SE to sky highway don't they all yeah it's just I just love that drive it's beautiful yeah so we uh we went up to Whistler and spent a few days there together for our 10th anniversary and I mean you're just together so it's fine you know you don't have to go see Circus Olay or you know go to any fancy restaurants in Vegas you know you can just if if you're together it's fine um so yeah that was 20 that was 2020 um but um in 2019 actually um in 2019 our daughter was born in March um and then in June I think it was yeah it was May or June um he started uh having chest pains which we thought okay um but it got to the with you know you know just like little things you just think they're going to go away and then um and then it got to the point where he wasn't able to walk as long um cuz he just he would have trouble breathing um and of course that at that point you're like okay this is something we got to go to the doctor and then we went to he went to the doctor and there was water in his lungs and um which they promptly drained and they didn't know what the cause of it was and after you know um and So eventually they uh had to do a surgery where they actually went in and looked in his lungs and um in October we found out of 2019 we found out that he had he had lung cancer um which was you know sad and difficult at first um and I think it's a very natural human reaction to um uh you know freak out or just just feel the full weight of those negative emotions at first um and it was scary certainly um but then you just remember you know who you serve and who's in control and you you kind of a bit um and um but we were really blessed in that um he happened to have this uh a DNA I think it's I think they called it a mutation this DNA thing where he was able to take uh this this oral medication for the cancer um and I forget it's a very small percentage of people who are able to take that um but he was one of them um so that was you know a huge blessing he didn't have to go on chemo or anything he could still work um and so he started on that medication you know right right away um and it really improved improved his health um and really helped him for a Time um and so he was on that medication from October 2019 um of course we celebrated our 10 years in um in January sorry in in August of 2020 and then um it wasn't until uh the end of 2020 um that he started uh just feeling off a bit getting headaches and stuff um um but he was mostly fine you know yeah um and so um and he kept on doing his regular checkups and they had actually decreased his checkups because the medication was shrinking he seemed to be doing you know really well but then uh in March of in March 2021 he went for a checkup and he came home and told me that um the medication was no longer working and that he would need to start chemo pretty quickly um so that was um obviously unwelcome news um but it's one of those things that the reality of It kind of just creeps into you slowly yeah um before you really realize the full weight and um when he found that out he took a week off of work and um our daughter's birthday was on March 21st um and he he had and as the week after that appointment as the week progressed um he was getting more and more tired and he was lying down a lot more and so we went to um celebrate my daughter's birthday on uh I think it was this yeah the Sunday um but he couldn't he drove us there but he couldn't drive home so um and then the next day uh I noticed he was slurring his words um and um so I called his doctor and took him to the hospital and um they did a eventually they did a uh is it a c no an MRI and they found um the cancer had reached his brain um and um they did have um a plan for that um but he was decreasing his his health was decreasing you know so rapidly um that I think that the doctors just couldn't couldn't really keep up um especially you know here in Canada when you're waiting you know he um when you're waiting for a time to get an MRI um know like it was a week you know he went into the hospital and they're like okay he needs an MRI well it took him that took them a week to get that MRI wow you know so um yeah the cancer has spread to his brain and um and they were going to check to see if it was on his spinal his spinal cord as well if it had traveled from the lungs up into his brain but as this is happening his um ability to eat was diminishing his ability to walk was diminishing all the basic things he couldn't do was he still at home at this point or is he still did he stay at the hospital he was in and out of the hospital he was in and out um he was um initially um initially he was in there for about a week um and then he insisted on coming home um and then um and then a few days later he had to go back back um and was in there for about 2 weeks okay um and um he was in there for two weeks and then he came home for about a week and then he went back okay for two weeks yeah so he was he was in and out of the hospital um throughout this time and um yeah it was about six weeks okay um of just absolute chaos you know um and um it was really it was really quite a blessing um like you know some of the good things I will say um is that we had a lot of like social workers come to support us um you know they they gave us uh you know uh you know things for our shower so that he could take a shower we had nurses uh three times a day to help with his care um um that when he was home for it was about two weeks that he was home that was really helpful um his mother came up his father came up um his sister who lives in California came up his other sister who lives in Vancouver she was around constantly my sister of course was around my parents as well and um everyone was here you know supporting us and um you know doing everything they they could um you know taking care of the children and um and you know taking care of me and um yeah it was uh it was it was very very hectic and when he was in the hospital um you know we would take turns to go and see him every day um and it was still there was still quite heavy coid restrictions so we couldn't go um you know it was very particular you know when we went and who we went with and there were all these documents that we had to fill out and sign and um and whatnot but um so that that complicated things a bit more but we were we were able to do that yeah wow um so you were saying um earlier that his um his eating was diminishing his energy he was feeling more fatigued and so he he just did he just keep going downhill yeah from there yeah and I hadn't noticed that he had been slurring his words until that Monday um the the day he went into the first day he went into the hospital um because he had just been sleeping at home the whole time you know he just been lying down and sleeping so I I didn't talk to him much except for hey do you need anything you know and just one word answers are okay um but um but yeah it got um it got to the point where he could mouth things but not really but not but I couldn't hear but his voice would the voice was gone yeah yeah and he couldn't eat anything because his ability to do those things um I'm not sure if it was I'm really bad at science um if you tell me anything about Anatomy it just goes I can't um but you know the doctor would come and they would do exercises with him like with his hands they would say push on my hands or um they would check to see his uh how he would be able to control his tongue and so like one day for example I brought him a drink and they said you can't give that to him because he won't be able to swallow it and I'm not too sure if it was because uh the um the instructions from his brain w getting to his tongue to be able to do that or if it was just um physically because there was um possibly cancer in his spinal cord or you know something yeah probably sound very ignorant but um um but his abilities his abilities to physically do things diminished quite a bit but one of the blessings was that he still his mental capacity or at least his ability to remember MH was still very much present MH um so he would he recognized all of us whenever we came um his mom told me that you know she would tell him uh that I would be coming the next day and he would be happy and he would smile and he would respond positively and he would see his sisters and he would smile at them you know he would see his children he would smile at them and uh react and so in his mind I know in his mind he there were these moments of clarity that he had um they weren't all the time but um he he he remembered us um and I've heard from other people who have had relatives or known someone who with brain you know things going on in their brain where they don't remember you know and that can be quite quite difficult and quite sad um but you know my husband he did he did even though he had lost his physical abilities you know at the end he couldn't walk um I'm not sure he could have lifted his hands um but you know he could at least look at us and remember us so that was that was a a blessing yeah and also great that you had such a network of support around you in in those days so um what happened then like how how did he in the end how did he pass away and what was that like for you where were were you were you with him yeah so um this is this was thankfully my first and only time thus far um you know going through this and um so I didn't I didn't really know you know and everything was changing every day um no two days were alike and you can just imagine just the uh the chaos that that that that kind of a thing caused um um so he he came home for two weeks um because well I I'll just back up a bit because I think this is really funny um he was in uh he was in Sur Memorial Hospital and um he uh he escaped one night um he just didn't want to be there you know this is what I mean by he was mentally clear like he could he he could still walk at that point this was this was um about four weeks um you know before he before he eventually passed um so he was and he could still walk and I don't know how he escaped honestly but they couldn't find him they he escaped and I was sleeping but they called me it was like 1 in the morning a police officer actually found him and brought him back but um the nurse called me she's like I think you need to take him home because he doesn't want to be here but they they didn't like the doctors and the nurses they didn't want to send him home because like it's going to be too much for you like the amount of care he needs is GNA be too much but clearly he needed to come home like he escaped everyone everyone who knows that you're like yeah that's the most Michael thing I've ever heard that he escaped from the hospital um he's a he was a big guy too he was 6' five I really don't know how he did it but any so he he came home after that the next day I picked him and brought him home and he was there for two weeks and um it was encouraging a little bit because um you know I got him to eat um he was just happy to be surrounded by his children again you know we would sit and watch TV together like we had done before you know um it was difficult at night um um just because of his medication he couldn't sleep um but he would come home and um but he would you know he would rest and uh we could be together like um um just I mean just like normal is what I mean by like that yeah and um and that's um but as the days progressed um he was getting steadily worse um um we were blessed with really beautiful weather that month it was a very sunny sunny March and April that year um and um his parents would come and um you know we would uh just be just in my backyard just be together and um the kids would run around and play you know on the trampoline and um he would just be surrounded by F family and it was a Thursday um and um he uh he needed help to go down the stairs and he needed help to get up the stairs so his dad was doing that um and his dad was also you know we got um his favorite dessert there keyme pie or one of his favorite desserts I should say he he just loved pie um but his but I just remember his dad feeding him you know keyme pie and and helping him drink his coffee um but my daughter had actually gotten up from her nap um and she was running around and um it was just before dinner and uh Michael he looked at her and then he started weeping and real weeping like sobbing and uh it was just the saddest moment for all of us and you know we've wondered or we've we've asked why um because he kept looking at her and she was two at the time she was running around and just being you know her happy little self um not understanding but going to him you know because she she absolutely adored him and um he would just he just looked at her and just sobbed and you know in that moment all of us surrounding him we just we we really just saw the depth of of where we were at and what we were what we were facing because when everything is chaotic around you and um you know there's just so much movement and no time for just Stillness you're just trying to get everything done so you can get to the next one but because he because Michael stopped and and looked at her and and cried that's when we all stopped and um and and saw what he was facing and what we would all be facing um and so uh the next day um the next day he uh he tried to get out of bed but he wound up lying on the floor and um he couldn't get up and the doctors told me that you know if if there was a point where he can't get up then it's time then you need to call us we need to take him back back to the hospital so I uh I called the ambulance and they took him they took him to the hospital and um it was very um rapid from that point to where he maybe ate for maybe three more days and then he just he just couldn't so there was about a week um sorry he was brought up to uh the oncology um I want to say department or the oncology floor um but then they um oh man I'm I'm forgetting the word but then they brought him into the next one um which is paliative care that one yeah that yeah that one they brought him in there and um I remember the day we went in there um that was a Saturday so it would have been a week later after this after he went and um they said uh the nurse there she said do you have any children I said yes I have two and uh she says you need to bring them tomorrow and I said well I don't I don't know I was thinking I might bring them on you know Monday or she's like no um the managers aren't here the weekends and you'll have a lot more trouble bringing them I'm here tomorrow you need to bring them tomorrow and I'm okay okay you know and and you have to understand that I was I was just in so much just pain personally that I don't know if I can face my children you know if I can bring them into this you know like I don't know if I can bear that but the nurse says no you're you should you need to bring them tomorrow and so I said okay I'll bring them tomorrow and you know that morning I was really the next morning was Sunday morning and I was I was sad and scared and crying and so I just sent out messages to certain people uh who I know could get a hold of God and say can you please pray uh for my for my children especially because we're going to go see Michael today and so I brought them there and um it was it was it was a really really nice visit for them um you know I my daughter uh I thought that she would be nervous and Afraid in a really strange place but she wasn't she uh ran around she colored a picture she sat beside Michael and she said daddy daddy and he you know he looked at her and um you know could smile at her and my son he was um much more he knew more more you know so he was just much more uncomfortable um but he he could stand there and it was hard for him to see his father and such a diminished State um but he could be there and see him and um it's just one of those things um one of those Graces that the go that God you know gave us is you know to put it on that nurse's heart to say look you need to your children today or tomorrow and um it wound up being the last time they saw him which wasn't you know it was never my intention was never my intention but you know for a last visit um I'm but I think it's also better that I didn't know and I think it's better you know at least that my son didn't know that that would be the last time um it w but it was a beautiful it was a very beautiful last visit um so that was that was Monday that was Sunday and um on Thursday we had made all the uh by Thursday we had made all the arrangements to take him um to the hospice um but I I went to see him as well sorry I'm jumping ahead but I had to um back up a bit um on Tuesday I went to go see him and spend the day with him in the hospital and um uh you know I sat together with him for a long time and I'm a Knitter so I I was just I would sit in the hospital and just sit beside him and knit and sort of and talk to him a little bit tell him about things um and uh uh the doctor came in um because um you know at that point not a lot of people were answering our questions just or we yeah we didn't have a lot of answers and um the doctor came in she said is there anything you want to know or how can I help you guys and I I asked her how long he had and she said um uh she said it looks like a few weeks just based on you know physical things and I thought oh okay and that made sense with the way things had gone um you know I had accepted that he would be going you know um um maybe accept is not the right word but I had but it but I had understood mhm you know this was this was the way it was going to go um in all the in all the chaos you know that was I understood um and so after she left you know Michael and I we just sat next to each other and um he looked at me and he said um or he mouthed he asked me if I was sad and I said yeah I am sad um but God has been really good to us and um you know in the shower a few days before and I was thinking you know it was just a moment of quiet in the shower and I was I had been thinking about about the situation I was in and um wondering where the Lord was in all this and I thought and and so I I thought about how our daughter came you know when she did cuz we hadn't intended for our children to be six years apart it just how it worked out um but she came at the right time you know for her for for him to enjoy her and to um just you know just the apple of his eye you know um and then you know CO as well just the way it was allowed us to be home together in the last year um and um that you know in itself is a huge blessing and as well as my husband's last job that he had he got to work with you know a really close friend a friend who is a Christian which is a huge B was was a huge blessing for him and um you know when he actually it was one of his concerns when he first uh found out that there was cancer in his brain he's like I wonder if I can go back to work and I'm like what a funny thing to ask but you know he he enjoyed going to work and that was his last job and that you know such a blessing and even throughout his illness um before right before he was uh he had to go into the hospital there was this one night where I was lying in bed and I was reading a book and it was I was reading about this Rich wealthy character who had a lot of power and um was in a position of great Authority and this person was in in the course of less than a year they are you know enslaved on the other side of the world you know and complete opposite circumstances and I remember thinking that night I'm like that's you know that's interesting right I'm like how life can change like that and we don't often think about that because it often doesn't happen um but I remember noting it and thinking about it and then my husband came into the room and I'm like okay well it's time for bed and um he uh uh he pulled me into his arms and just you know just we're just hugging and I remember falling asleep there and just being so thankful and so happy and and just and I I remember that that snuggle and um and that was a few weeks before you know everything started going down and I and I just remember it so well just thinking just being so grateful for that moment MH and you know in the hospital when he first found out when he could still stand up and walk and we found out that he had cancer in his brain and I was um I helped him go take a shower um when he could he could still function at this point um and um him and I we stopped and looked at each other and um he just pulled me into his arms and he hugged me and uh I'm 5'6 and like I said he was 6'5 and I remember remember him you know holding me in his arms and he put his head you know gently on mine and that was that was the last hug that he he could ever give me but I remember being in that hug and the Holy Spirit saying cherish this you know remember this you know and did I know it was the last time no no not at all neither did I know that that that snuggle would be the last snuggle that I would really remember the Holy Spirit you know came and and just said rest in this cherish this and um the night the night before he went back to the hospital um uh for the last time you know we were lying in bed and uh he put his hand on my on my belly I was lying next to him he put his hand on my belly and I put my hand over his and I actually took a picture of it but I also remember the just the Holy Spirit saying chish you know CU at that point he was you know like like I've said a bunch of times now he was losing abilities for everything but he you know he he he remembered that I was his wife and that you know to put his hand there you know on my belly like that and just to cherish that moment and so you know going back to you know when I started say talking about all this um you know when he asked if I was sad I you know yeah you know I told yeah I'm sad but I can I can point to things to so many blessings and so many goodnesses of God throughout and so much Mercy from the Lord throughout this whole time even in the midst of chaos and um in the midst of you know uncertainty you know there is always a lord to go back to and just to stand on um and I I told him about that and I said you know God has been really good to us Michael he said it he said and um so a few hours later um I had to go um but I looked at him I went I looked in front of his I you know stood in front of him and I said um I love you and he mouthed I love you and he puckered out his lips for a kiss and um that was the last time I I saw him awake um because as I said um Arrangements were made for him to go to hospice on the Thursday on Wednesday both his sisters went to go see him and they had a really nice visit you know they his sisters came back happy then on Thursday I went to the hospice which was just five minutes not even five minutes from from our house um but by the time I got there he had been he was sleeping he um uh he I guess he had been in a lot of pain when he got there so they gave him medication and he was sleeping and I stayed there with him for a few hours and then I went home his mother came and I went home and um you know I was still operating on this belief that he had a few weeks um because I had just been told that you know the Tuesday um but then my mother-in-law sent a message and said he doesn't like he's not going to last the night he not last the night and so I quickly packed up um packed up and um went to the hospice and um my mother-in-law was there and uh she said that um I only know this because I was told um but you know people who are who are you know dying they uh their breathing gets really um uh how do I say this it stops longer and then it go and you know what I mean like there's like long pauses between their breaths and um she said that he was doing that but then when I got there his breathing actually became a lot more consistent and so she thinks that he would have gone cuz she was there with when her when uh both her parents died and she said that um she thinks he would have gone had I had I not had I not showed up um but I I sat there with him that night um and when I couldn't sleep anymore I think I got up around 6 or seven I couldn't um but I I sat next to him you know and I prayed and I I sang I I read read scripture to him um you know I sang hymns to him and then his breathing got really really shallow really really really stunted I should say again before 8 a. he uh he passed away but the last thing I said to him and I didn't know he was going to go that I didn't think he was going to last much longer in the morning but you know the last thing I said to him was you know I love you forever and and then he went and he just he just stopped breathing and he was gone yeah wow Grace it's heartbreaking to to hear that and to hear your pain and um understand what what you've been through as a family with your kids as well but um from the sounds of what you've said um there's still so much that you're thankful for despite the struggle and the loss the Lord has blessed you um with so much yeah you know there is there is so much there's so much Beauty to be seen when you look when you look at the Lord or when you you know attempt to look at the Lord in whatever circumstances you're um there uh um there's always Grace you know there's always strength to be had um and knowing that you know I couldn't can't do it alone and I can't um survive alone and knowing who I can look to has been really what has carried what has helped me have perspective you know and um it's not it's not it's not me really it's it's just the fact that you know I I grew up knowing or I grew up you know reading reading the Bible and studying the Bible and so then when these things come up you know you know what to do you know where to go you know um uh you know who you can lean on he God has carried you through the little things and you know he's not going to abandon you in the big things um but it's a matter of of taking pause and looking you know looking around and I just remember that verse um you know precious in the sight of the Lord are the death of his Saints and doesn't it doesn't say well it's only you know peaceful deaths and bad from old age that are precious in the sight of the Lord you know no all all the deaths of of of the Lord's saying are precious and I know that God doesn't take a life lightly even though it's sometimes it feels like he does um uh I know that I always know I've always known that um that nothing is done without a reason Andes waste his his time absolutely doesn't waste his time but he doesn't waste our time either H yeah um Grace what would you say um so I know in like often in challenging times we learn and we grow the most if we allow ourselves to um which I know you have what would you say has been um like what have you learned about God yourself in or through this um I've I've learned that um well one of the fascinating things I've learned I mean the Bible talks about how God sees the end from the beginning um and you know that he's outside of time right and I mean that's what we see when we see it all through the Bible is how um you know God's telling you the future um he's telling you the future while the things and he's telling you the present and the past and the future you know kind of all at once and he's telling you things that are going to happen while things that he's already said will happen have happened you know and one of the things I've learned or really have been able to see is that he prepares you for the walk that that he has you on and you know it's just like you know um and you don't know what's going to happen in the future but if you if you stop if you if you spend your time wisely looking up at the Lord and seeking him in obedience you'll be prepared for it and prepared react in a certain in a way in in in the way that you know that the Lord would have you react you know I could I could really go on forever just talking about how the Lord brought such and such a person in my life to help me to help prepare me for this how the Lord did this to set me up for this you know um but um I there are no details that are too small for God you know and there's a verse in uh I think it's 1 Chronicles um but you know David says to the Lord thou knowest thy servant and God doesn't treat everybody the same you know we're all different as snowflakes you know we're just different from each other but God knows the exact way how to get our atten ition he knows the exactly how to treat us and he wants us to have the right responses he wants us to respond in faith he wants us to love him he wants us to glorify him and so he puts things into our lives and he prepares us to give us the best the best chance possible to react Right Way um to bring glory to him and to show others that he is merciful and he is gracious you know yeah yeah I really like what you said that God prepares us for our for our walk it's that's very true that's very true um what would you say is your um one message if you had one message to give your um one maybe key learning I don't know how you want to um uh interpret that but if you had one message or yeah one message what would it be um I would I would say um pretty simply would be to seek the Lord but it's not simply but it's not simply seeking the Lord um it's not simply just seeking the Lord and seeing what he'll say say and then well if you like it then you do it kind of a thing MH um it's more it's more submitting submitting to the Lord and seeking him what I have found throughout my life in in so many situations is um or here let me give an example I think that maybe most people can relate to is uh you know the need to forgive somebody that has done you wrong you know um we so often we look at that you know if they've really hurt you you look at it and you're like there's no way I can forgive them there's no way but then you remember well Jesus said to forgive and he doesn't say well unless they did something like this you know unless they you know um he doesn't say that he says you are called to forgive and so what I have learned in every situation is you need to decide to do right first and that's when the Lord gives you the strength to do it because we're situations and the Lord looks at us and says well what are you going to do and so the example I give you know forgiving it's like okay well I'm going to do right and I'm gonna forgive and the Lord can take care of it yeah right but you have to you have to make that decision first to do right it's that will to obey isn't it that will to obey yeah maybe you're like all right I'm gonna you know like you're angry want to and you know that and and you just really want to you know get your revenge or whatever but but in every situation whether it's um you know needing to forgive or you're going through a tragedy make the decision to do right make the decision that whatever and sometimes it's just a matter of going to God and saying God I don't know what's going on here but I need but I want to hear from you I want you to tell me what to do and what you tell me to do I'm going to do it you know and that's and that's what walking by faith is it's you know deciding to do right diligently seeking God and deciding to do right before he even tells you to and what I have found is that you know these situations and you know I've been through these situations before but not quite as uh as raw and you know just and uh you know uh painful as as as experiencing the death of a spouse but you know there are certain situations in life that just they just strip strip you to your most naked spiritual self and it reveals exactly what you are yeah you know so and it's not and it's not always sad things you know like it's like when your baby is born and you've got this little baby and it's wonderful but and you yourself you're starving but your child is starving and like what do you do like most of us child yeah feed child and you will exhaust yourself and starve yourself for the sake of that and that shows you and that that reveals yourself to you you're like I didn't know be this selfless I didn't know that I could give as much or love as much as I could right um and in those moments and and and so in those really those really there's really just deep moments that that just that strip you down and they they reveal to you what you are and most of us don't like it most of us don't what's revealed actually I would probably say like 99.9% of the time it's not pretty you know but we have the Lord yeah and we can we can change it that's the beauty of of being a human you know um is that is that we can change and we can make the right decisions and we can even in our fallen State you know turn and seek seek the Lord and um so I would my one me my one message would just be to seek and submit to the Lord it seems scary it does um because you feel like you're blind but I think it was you know Corey tbom who said uh I'm going to butcher this but she said something like don't be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God and you you can rely on absolutely everything he says when he says that I will be your strength you know he told Abraham that I am thy exceeding great reward you know and when he he says that he will gather you under the shadow of his wings you can believe those things those things are real and those things are true because you and your spouse may have a loving wonderful relationship but like in my case like I don't I don't have him here anymore but I do have the Lord you know um and the Lord is the one real thing the one true thing the only thing that will always always exists that has always existed thanks Grace for sharing that it's a it's a real beautiful reflection of your heart for the Lord and um I see the I see your um in your story your faithfulness to the Lord and being obedient to him him and submitting to him and seeking and serving him it's um it's really wonderful to see that even despite the stripping and the pain and the Deep um loss that you've experienced that you're still you're still able to hold your head high and um you know for for the Lord that you're you're serving him and you are walking in obedience to him it's really powerful thank you for sharing thank you for for letting me share I I know that you know we're not taught these things for ourselves you know we're taught them for others that we can help others and you don't have to be afraid of the Lord's will in your life it it does hurt it is painful but um at the same time um it's not wasted yeah you know um one verse I love in Psalms is thou tellest my w wonderings um th um what does he say thou tellest all my tears are they not in your book and you know and he talks and he talks about how our tears are in a bottle as well and we are so precious to the Lord and he he records our tears and he he collects them and he's not collecting them for nothing you know and the treasure that we get in heaven is worth the pain that we go through here absolutely just let the Lord do his will in our lives yeah for sure and just stand down let him do his thing yeah um Grace I'm really conscious of the time um before we wrap up is there if any of our listeners wanted to reach out to you what would be a good way for them to do that um I suppose my email I'm not I'm not on social media um right now um but my last my my email is just my first name Grace um g r a c do christiny KR s i NSK Ki gmail.com um and so yeah and I do check my junk mail so if it happens to go there I will notice awesome cool we'll add that to the show notes for sure for sure Grace thank you so much for your time I I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and for being so honest and real with us and um showing us your heart I really appreciate it thank you for having me and um it was good to talk to you s yes and you too and just like that we have reached the end of another fascinating conversation now remember to check out crowd church at ww ww. crowd. Church even if you might not see the point of church you see we are a digital Church on a quest to discover how Jesus can help us live a more meaningful life we are a community a space to explore the Christian faith and a place where you can contribute and grow and you are welcome at crowd Church don't forget to subscribe to the whats story podcast on your favorite podcast app because we've got a treasure trove of inspiring stories coming your way and we will basically hate for you to miss any of them and just in case no one has told you yet today remember you are awesome yes you are created awesome it's just a burden you have to bear what's the story is a production of crowd Church our Fantastic Team including Anna Kettle SF banon and me Edmonson and Tanya hutak work behind the scenes tirelessly to bring you all these fabulous stories our theme song is a creative work of Josh Edmonson and if you're interested in the transcript or show notes head over to our website what's the story podcast.com and whilst you're there sign up for our free Weekly Newsletter to get all of this goodness delivered straight to your inbox so that's it from all of us this week here at whats the story thank you so much for joining us have a fantastic week wherever you are in the world we'll catch you next time bye for now